"So today I was in Hallmark buying my mom a Happy Birthday card when I noticed this old man stnding in front of the Valentines card section contemplating which one to get. I decide to go over and I ask him “Are you getting a Valentine’s Day for your wife?” in which he replies 'No my wife died 3 years ago from breast cancer but I still buy her roses and a card and bring them to her grave to prove to her that she was the only one that will ever have my heart"
Touching no? So considering monogamy, why did this make us feel the way it did (happy, sad, touched, indignant, whatever)? Why do we enjoy movies where monogamy is a central theme? Even in movies where couple try to resist monogamy but fail (anyone seen No Strings Attached?), we still find the concept of monogamy enjoyable.
Monogamy, in our culture, is the way we have come to see as an appropriate environment to foster healthy relationships with our significant other. We learn, on the personal level, that monogamous relationships are how we gain complete trust with a partner. When monogamy is the norm, think about how damaging it is to break this rule—how does it feel to be cheated on? How do you react to that when it happens either to you or to others? The trust that grows out of monogamy leads to intimacy and fulfilling relationships. For us, this is what it means to have a successful personal relationship with a partner. Of course, in other cultures where monogamy isn’t the norm, such as the courts of the ancient Islamic Empires, it may be hard for monogamy to yield successful relationships on the personal level. But with this example, there is the question of the directionality of monogamy and non-monogamy. If a male has more than one wife, he is in a non-monogamous relationship. But his wives have only one husband, so does this mean they’re in a monogamous relationship? On the social level, since monogamy is the norm, monogamous relationships reinforce societal stability. In fact, from American History, we learn that the Free Love Movement was an offshoot of anarchism. Isn’t the norm of monogamy part of the reason that we judge presidential candidates based on their martial relationships and release an audible “awww” when we see old couples we presume to have been faithful to each other for a long time?
As for effects on gender, I think it may be correlated to the reinforcement of the binaristic system but not necessarily causal. It has the potential to perpetuate gender roles just as much as a non-monogamy. For example, in a monogamous couple, one person in the relationship may assume a more masculine role, while the other assumes a more feminine role. But in this case, the woman can assume the masculine role of breadwinner, while the man assume the feminine role of staying at home thus complicating the system. However, going back to the example of the many with many wives, the man assumes the masculine role while the women have to assume the feminine role... Unless you’re a male lion with several female mates who are the huntresses.
As a closing thought, while monogamy may play a visible role in our culture and be related to the reinforcement of gender binaries, I highly doubt that it has a significant effect on sexual orientation. But since I haven’t really considered this before, I doubt that I have the most accurate perspective. From what I understand, homosexuals and heterosexuals exist is both monogamous and non-monogamous cultures if that tells us anything.
I find the reference you made to movies that resist monogamy fascinating: I've never considered the fact that monogamy sneaks up on us and conquers even the most bitter or commit-ophobic spirits in movies.
ReplyDeleteOne challenge I have is for your idea of sexuality. When I first read the prompt, the word triggered the idea of sexual orientation for me. But now that I've read your blog, I wonder if monogamy might not have a greater effect on sexuality in terms of an individual's sexualized persona, rather than which gender they are attracted to. Perhaps you might want to think about the difference between sexuality and sexual orientation, although non-heteronormative relationships undoubtedly throw a monkey wrench into the system of heteronormativity.
I liked your idea of monogomy, and how its the norm, and what it feels like to be cheated on and break this norm. "If a male has more than one wife, he is in a non-monogamous relationship. But his wives have only one husband, so does this mean they’re in a monogamous relationship?" Honestly, no clue... I would guess no. I think a monogomous relationship goes two ways, you can't just do it alone. If your husband is cheating on you, I think that is the point that you have started to drift so far apart that your relationship is beginning to become polygamous. Interesting points you brought up!
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