Really, I thought, sometimes I would like to have a child. A very wise and witty little girl who’d grow up to be the woman I could never be. A very independent little girl with no scars on the brain or the psyche. With no toadying servility and no ingratiating seductiveness. A little girl who said what she meant and meant what she said. A little girl who was neither bitchy nor mealymouthed because she didn’t hate her mother or herself… What I really wanted was to give birth to myself—the little girl I might have been in a different family, a different world (65.)
This passage occurs at the beginning of the novel, when Isadora is upset because her sister keeps pestering her about having children. Isadora acts out by cursing at her sister and hiding in a closet, she knows that she does not want children, so why will people not leave her alone? Hiding under her mother’s coats, like a child, Isadora allows herself to daydream about what it would be like to have a daughter. However, it becomes apparent to the reader that Isadora is actually day-dreaming about the woman she wants to be.
Fear of Flying clearly possess heavy themes of monogamy, however those themes are really centered on the idea of female sexuality. Isadora tries to find herself, her personality beyond her sexual identity, through her sexual escapades. This passage illuminates how the narrator feels about herself. After constant sessions of analysis, Isadora believes that she has “scares on the brain” because of her family and upbringing. What she believes are her main faults are a part of her sexuality and “seductiveness.” Isadora hates that she never follows her word and perhaps that is why she hates cheating on her husband. Worst of all, Isadora’s mealymouthed persona comes forward when she does not want to leave with Adrian, she simply wants to apologize and make-up with Bennet, but she cannot find the words that would allow her to stay and save her marriage. The girl that Isadora dreams of having is the girl Isadora wants to be, the girl without so many flaws. We see that these “faulty” characteristics play a major role in who Isadora is as a person and the progression of the story plot. However, these flaws best demonstrate the author’s opinion on female sexuality and society’s interpretation of it.
I thought this passage was especially interesting for another reason also. Isadora mentions her own mother quite a few times. In the chapter "Pandora's Box or My Two Mothers," Isadora explains the sometimes toxic relationship she has with her mom. Isadora resents her mother for trying to morph Isadora in to the woman Jude never turned out to be. The mom pushes Isadora into art, into being our-of-the-ordinary, and for pushing her value system onto her daughters. It's interesting that Isadora seems to have the same intentions about raising children as her own mother...even though Isadora despises her mom for this. I just thought that was interesting. Great post!
ReplyDeleteYour focus on Isadora’s relationship with her mother and her subsequent expectations of her unborn daughter is very insightful. It reminds me of Butler’s essay on performative actions. Isadora believes that she has been scarred by her mother’s actions and she has been impacted by her mother’s performative actions. Isadora cannot function properly because her mother never taught her how to “function” properly. The daughter Isadora desires to raise is the daughter Isadora has always desired to be but cannot. Isadora places the blame on her mother.
ReplyDeleteI think your point about her hiding int he closet as a child might is very important. I think it gives her daydream an even more intense desire. By being closer to that childlike state, she can be closer to that little girl she so desperately wishes she was. It seems almost as though she could rebuild herself back up to an adult--one who is all the things that she is not--and exit the closet more self assured. But, alas, she bogs herself down in the fact that a little girl would just be borne to carry her father's name and not truly be her mother's...so here again, it truly does seem like she reinforces her dependence on men and her belief that her flaws are from her mother.
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