Furthermore, I was upset with the double standard that straight males are privileged to have. They get to be needy and reliant on their wives and girlfriends, but get the perks of appearing strong, brave, and unemotional. Meanwhile, I felt, women have to be strong in private but get no credit for it out in the world.
My mom was finally able to get a word in edgewise: "You know, I've been thinking about this for a while... are you a lesbian?" And here I am, with my boyfriend's texts waiting in my inbox, being told that the person who has known me longest doesn't even believe that I'm being honest about my sexual orientation. "It's okay if you are. I'm not judging; I'm just asking." I informed her that I was not, but would also be okay if I were. But I'm not a lesbian, so sorry to disappoint.
But this exchange made me think. What made my mom assume I couldn't be straight? Apparently to her, straight girls don't resent femininity or crave the reputation of strength that men enjoy. I've always considered her open-minded and wise, and this made me doubt my own identity. If I don't even act straight enough for my methodist-turned-neopagan, voting-Nader-in-'00-and-'04, single, spinster mother, then how did the rest of the world feel?
I think that the issue you present here is one that many can relate to--whether they've experienced or witnessed it. All too often, it happens that someone acts in a way that is in opposition the gender stereotype that society has created for their sex and the individual is called into question. I wonder if, in recent years, you believe society has begun to loosen its rigidly constructed molds for individuals or only worked to reaffirm them. If you agree with the latter, then I wonder what you think it might take to do so?
ReplyDeleteI can definitely identify with some of the larger ideas you addressed in this post. The notion that there is normative behavior for each gender--and that straying outside those lines results in one's sexual identity being called into question--makes for a frustrating situation for straight females who oppose the stereotypical, almost hyperbolic, femininity that you described at the beginning of your post. One is at once proud to be a female and fundamentally opposed to the hackneyed image of what "female" is; one is straight and seeks a male companion, but one is averse to giving up what minimal power they do possess to said male.
ReplyDeleteThis is a story a lot of "non-girly" girls can relate to. Since girls like you and I don't "perform" our gender the way history and now society expects us to, people instantly assume that we are different from the average girl and thus our sexual preferences must be different. I agree, it definitely is frustrating when your own mother, someone who is supposed to know and understand you, makes these assumptions based on your actions. It's awesome that you stick to your beliefs and perform the way YOU want to perform instead of conforming to the "girl" standard (i.e. wearing makeup etc.) just to appease your audience. It's not you, the performer, that needs to change. It's society, your audience, that needs to open their eyes and look at each individual as they are instead of what they ought to be.
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