At the beginning of my freshman year, I kissed a girl and I liked it.
It was at my first real house party (I was a nerd in high school) and it was the first time I ever got drunk. I met her during welcome week. She was one of the first friends I had ever made. If there was a dictionary entry for “girly”, her picture would be there.
Because to me, she represented the kind of girl I had always felt like I SHOULD be. This girl was flirty, charming, and beautiful. I was so honored to be her friend.
In high school, I never felt “girly” or “pretty”. I wasn’t “butch” but I certainly wasn’t a “femme” either. Sure, boys respected me. I was captain of mock trial, president of Model UN, editor of the newspaper, and editor of the school magazine. They said I was “tough” “aggressive” “smart”. But, boys never really talked to me because they wanted to flirt with me. They usually talked to me because they needed help with an assignment or paper. When I talked to girls, especially the pretty girls (you know, the ones with perfectly manicured nails and really long blonde hair), I always felt out of place. To be honest, I always felt like a guy when I talked to really pretty girls.
During the party, I started to dance with the really pretty girl. At first, we were part of a big group. But as the night went on, we both got separated from the rest of our friends. At that point, she was pretty drunk. Then again, so was I. Imagine my surprise when she grabbed my hand, pulled me close, and asked me if I wanted to kiss her. I hesitated. There were too many people around us. What if somebody saw us? Hell, they were probably too drunk to notice or remember anyway. So, I went for it. I grabbed her by the waist, pulled her in, and kissed her.
Reflecting back on that night, I don’t think I kissed her because I was sexually attracted to her (although she was beautiful). I believe I kissed her because I desired the feminine qualities that she represented to me. At the time, in my drunken stupor, I honestly believed that if I kissed that girl, her “prettiness” and girlish “charm” would somehow transfer onto me.
That night was an eye-opening experience. Before that night, I had only ever been in one relationship (with a guy for 2 years). Even though I had had crushes on other girls before, I had always thought I was straight because, well, because that was the way I thought I was supposed to be. But I enjoyed that kiss so much it scares me. The kiss made me confront the fact that although I’m still attracted to men, I’m also attracted to women. And that realization scares me because I’m so uncomfortable with approaching girls that I am attracted to. I guess my new understanding of my gender expectations and sexual orientation make me nervous because I’m so afraid of rejection. And the possibility of rejection is even greater now. But it’s an issue that I have to confront. And I shouldn’t be afraid. That kiss gave me the courage to discover part of who I really am. And I’m grateful for that.
Wow, this is an intense story! Thanks for sharing with us. Your experience, I think, was indeed a way for you to get a better sense of yourself more than anything. College, I think, is really a way for us to understand ourselves more based on what we're exposed to and all the diverse people we get to meet. I have always been insecure about being the basic definition of "pretty." My sister was always the prettier sister, and I always felt overshadowed by that. Upon coming to college, however, I realized that there is really no definition of "pretty." Everyone is attractive based on their persona as a whole. College made me feel beautiful because of all the wonderful people I have met. Just like "pretty," "gender" has no specific meaning or categorical representation. I think you touched upon this, and it's really important that you did. Thanks again for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed reading your post Shannon. I too have had felt this odd social pressure of needing to act more feminine than I actually am. My mother is my role model because she is one of the strongest women I know. However, I had a sort of jealously growing up because while other girls' mothers would curl their hair and teach them arts and crafts, my mother was out working. I didn't really come to appreciate the "boyish" traits (being ambitious and stubborn) that my mother taught me until later in life.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story with us...the way you wrote it was so raw and genuine, and I appreciate your courage for posting it on our class blog. I think every girl sometimes feels like she's not pretty, feminine, or flirty enough; even the really pretty girls to whom others gravitate. These feelings are always hidden somewhere beneath the surface, but what struck me in this post was that you verbalize these feelings. I can relate on some level to this, especially when you talked about wanting the girl's "charm" and beauty to rub off on you. My best friends in high school were always the really pretty girls, and I was left behind being somewhat of the uglier duck. At one point I wished that their beauty would rub off on me, but then I realized that these things weren't really important. My friends were wonderful people who had much more to offer than their charm on boys and pretty faces, and what I learned from them was that there are more to people than meets the eye...even when something beautiful meets the eye. I respect you for owning your feelings and being open enough with yourself to recognize who you are attracted to and what you like, but I think you also need to learn that you already embody a lot of what this girl had. Not everybody has the courage to post a blog like this or admit their feelings, and I thank you for sharing with us.
ReplyDeleteI loved your story and I admire you for sharing it with us. The way I see it, it is more common for girls to lock lips with each other (especially when they've had a little too much to drink). Also girls are more willing to acknowledge having crushes on other chicks. Straight guys tend to shudder at the thought of kissing another guy. I mean kissing another dude is not going to make me any manlier. In fact, it has the opposite effort. However, I could understand your feelings in this situation. At least you were able to discover something new about yourself. I also hope you realize that everybody is pretty or beautiful in their own unique way. Thank you for sharing!
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